


Right out of the Trash Compactor

by charlottefrey



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Don't read this if you enjoy dump things, Explosions, F/M, Hux needs a therapist, Kylo is a cry baby, There's no plot, and myself a bit, crack!fic, fucking shit and people (up), i blame davechicken, like really no plot, this is so weird, we are all mad and going to die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-18 09:09:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5920429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlottefrey/pseuds/charlottefrey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just...What am i doing?!?!?<br/>*chrm*</p><p>These are the voyages of Lord Grey Sith Chicken and Lord Freaky Vampire. Their five year mission: Fucking up the Galaxy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Right out of the Trash Compactor

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Davechicken](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/gifts).



> ....wait that was Star Trek...whatever  
> Welp...i don't know what happened, but i spend most of today pondering on terrible jokes and writing the 2,5k glory of this trash fic.   
> Yeah. Just forget it.

There they were, his two best men. Or women? Snoke pondered for a moment how to call them properly in his inner monologue, when he noticed the vaguely annoyed air Lord Grey Sith Chicken radiated off. Lord Freaky Vampire pushed back her hood and looked directly at Snoke.

   “Lord Grey Sith Chicken, Lord Freaky Vampire. I have called you here to send you on a very important mission.” Lord Grey Sith Chicken frowned.

   “What could be more important than watching over Kylo Ren?” Snoke huffed out a breath.

   “Anyway, I send you to small, volcanic planet with a humanoid species. They have developed advanced weaponry and we need to have it in order to crush the Resistance.” Here he spoke up and clenches his fist while looking up at the ceiling of the transmission chamber.

   “Okay.” Lord Freaky Vampire said without much enthusiasm. “Guess it’ll be fun.” She shrugged when behind them General Ginger and The Lord of Fluffy Hair walked in.

   “Supreme Leader.” Both said and bowed to him.

   “We need a ship.” Lord Freaky Vampire said. Snoke blinks at her. “Can we take Kylo’s, he won’t need it anyways.”

   “Over your dead body.” The masked man said and pulled his light saber.

   “I am a vampire, I cannot die.” Lord Freaky Vampire eyed the red saber in the man’s hands.

   “I know, but I can make your life hell, if you get me.” The woman arched her eyebrow.

   “On second consideration…I won’t steal your ship.” With a satisfied smirk Kylo deactivated the saber again. “I will simply kidnap you with it.” Gaping, Kylo pointed at her and looked to Snoke for help.

   “He can’t fly a ship. Neither can I.” Lord Grey Sith Chicken chimes in.

   “What? And you are supposed to be Dark Lords.” Hux clears his throat and looks pointedly at Kylo Ren.

   “Unlike others I can fly a ship.” Hux said and grinned.

   “When you wear your glasses.” Kylo grinned at Hux, who turned red like his hair. Hux grabbed The Lord of Fluffy Hair’s robes and pulled the Sith close. It looked odd because General Ginger had to look up a little.

   “Excuse me!” Snoke said, feeling left out of the conversation. The two men turned towards their boss and General Ginger let go of Kylo Ren. “The four of you will go and destroy this planet. Snoke out!” Then the transmission cut off.

   “Okay.” Lord Grey Sith Chicken said with a shrug.

 

 

   “We have a ship, we have a pilot, we have…Kylo Ren… and we have snacksssss…” Lord Freaky Vampire looked directly at her friend and frowns.

   “Waff?” Lord Grey Sith Chicken asked, mouth full of snacks. She swallowed. “They were supposed to last?” Pinching the bridge of her nose, Lord Freaky Vampire sighed.

   “Very well. Where’s the next supermarket?” She asked General Ginger.

   “About ten minutes away. But it’s actually the opposite direction we are going to fly in.” Lord Freaky Vampire shrugged.

   “So what. Lord Grey Sith Chicken can’t live without snacks.” The mewled ‘I feel sick’ was pointedly ignored by the two.

   “Fine. I will set course there!” Ten minutes later the ship stopped at _Snokeys Spacy Supermarket_. Lord Freak Vampire looks around.

   “Lord Grey Sith Chicken I trust you to control these two idiots so they don’t destroy the entire fucking ship.” The meek hum she gets in reply seems enough, so she strides majestically off the ship.

 

 

On returning to the ship, Lord Freaky Vampire finds Lord Grey Chicken still laying on the couch and the two rivals sitting at the desk, glaring at each other.

   “What are you doing there?” She asked. Lord Grey Sith Chicken looks up.

   “They are doing a staring contest.”

   “Since I left?”

   “Seems like it. I was distracted.” She grins.

   “With what exactly?”

   “Staring at Kylo’s fine ass.” With a roll of her eyes, Lord Freaky Vampires empties the bag of snacks over the table between The Lord of Fluffy Hair and Hux.

   “What are you doing?!” Kylo shouted and stared at her, pouting.

   “Stopping this nonsense. We are flying to that planet now!”

 

 

In the cockpit, Hux sits down and puts on his glasses with a pouty expression. Lord Freaky Vampire stares at him for a few seconds. Before a drop of drool ran down her lips and fell to the floor. She closed her mouth and walked to the pilot’s seat, turning it halfway around and falling to the ground before General Ginger.

   “Do you see what I see?” The Lord of Fluffy Hair asked Lord Grey Sith Chicken. The other Sith Lord nodded. “Wanna watch?” With a nod, they pulled chair via the Force and took a seat.

   “Snack?” Lord Grey Sith Chicken held out a bag of Gummy Jedis. Kylo look one and bit off his head, eyes fixated on the scene before him.

Lord Freaky Vampire had by that point opened the General Ginger’s pants and had begun to deep throat the erected cock. Hux threw his head back and moaned loudly as his hand pushed Lord Freaky Vampire’s hood back and buried his fingers in her short blond hair.

   “How long do you think he’ll last?” Lord Grey Sith Chicken asks as she hands over the popcorn.

   “Mmmh, I don’t know. I have lost track of his masturbation habit.”

   “You…why am I even asking.” Lord Grey Sith Chicken turns back to the scene before them.

   “The only thing I just remember…” Kylo says when Hux comes down Lord Freaky Vampire’s throat. “…is that no one is flying the plane.” With a jerk Lord Freaky Vampire looks up at the General Ginger.

   “You didn’t put in autopilot.” She asked accusingly, ignoring the flaccid cock near her face.

   “Well, I didn’t exactly expect you to give me a blowjob while flying!” Hux snapped back.

   “But you know that when I see you wearing glasses, I will jump you!” The woman shouted and stood up, walking into her quarters, muttering something along the lines of ‘dump ginger baby’. Hux gave both The Lord of Fluffy Hair as well as Lord Grey Sith Chicken an annoyed look until they simultaneously turned around and went to stare at the metal wall.

   “Never seen a wall this pretty.” The woman said slowly.

   “Yeah.” Kylo replied.

 

 

   “Are we there yeeettt!” Lord Grey Sith Chicken leaned over the table and Lord Freaky Vampire rescued her book, shoving it into her coat arm.

   “After Hux lost the way, I don’t really know where we are. But I think we’ll arrive soon.”

   “I need to pee!” The Lord of Fluffy Hair mewled.

   “I told you all to go to pee before we leave, so we don’t have to stop at some uncivilised planet for a potty break.” Lord Freaky Vampire sighed.

   “But, but…” Kylo pouted and the woman looked pointedly away. “Pweasee.” She huffed.

   “Fine.” She stood and shouted into the direction of Hux: “We need a potty break!”

   “We’re nearly there!” The ginger shouted back.

   “I will pee myself if we don’t stop soon!” Kylo whined

   “Ugh, whatever.” Hux muttered.

 

 

After the successful potty break, in which The Lord of Fluffy Hair was nearly eaten by a plant (it was entirely Lord Grey Sith Chicken’s fault, not Kylo’s!), the four continued their journey to that planet.

   “Lord Freaky Vampire, would you be so nice as to look for my blasters?” The General Ginger asked.

   “You can’t even find your own ass!” The Lord of Fluffy Hair shouted from his room.

   “Shut up!” Hux replied and activated the door, closing off The Lord of Fluffy Hair’s angry screams.

   “You two are besties eh?” Lord Grey Sith Chicken said while she levitated Hux’s blasters.

   “No and put my blasters down.”

   “Fucking make me.” The General Ginger shoved Lord Freaky Vampire into the pilot’s seat while he went after Lord Grey Sith Chicken.

   “I can’t fly for shit!” Lord Freaky Vampire screamed when she accidently let out Kylo while wildly pressing random buttons. At some point later, after the bruised and scrapes where tended to, Hux continued set the ship down on a mountain and the Dark Lords prepared for battle, Kylo Ren looked envious at Lord Grey Sith Chickens berserker light saber.

   “Is that a light saber in your pants or are you just happy to see me!” Lord Grey Sith Chicken said with a wink at the man, who flushed before ramming his head into his helmet.

   “It’s a light saber.” He said before wrapping his pretty glittery scarf around his shoulders.

   “Stop flirting!” Hux hissed as he passed the three of them.

   “Oh yes and what was that yesterday with Phasma? I heard something like ‘Captain, your armour is all shiny, I can really see myself all over you!’.” Stopping dead in his tracks, General Ginger pulled out a stone and threw it at the other man. The whine and the loud crack when the stone hit the mask made Hux with satisfaction.

   “Shut up, Emo Baby!”

 

 

Outside it was hot and the surface seemed to swim.

   “Is it hot or is it just me?” Lord Grey Sith Chicken said and flipped her hair back.

   “Seriously, am I the only one with a sane mind?” Lord Freaky Vampire said and pushed the other’s around her away. “We should focus on the mission!”

   “We don’t have a plan.” The Lord of Fluffy Hair said.

   “What the heck where you doing in your room all the time then?” General Ginger shouted.

   “Obviously!” Kylo said and flipped his scarf back. “I painted my nails black and did my hair! I am called The Lord of Fluffy Hair for a reason.”

   “You are a terrible human being Emo Baby!”

   “Hey, what did you call _my Kylo_ just now!!” Lord Grey Sith Chicken shouted and was about to attack Hux, when Lord Freaky Vampire cleared her throat.

   “Guys, stop it, this won’t get us anywhere.”

   “We have no plan!” Hux shouted and pointed at The Lord of Fluffy Hair. “And it’s his fault!”

   “So what!” Lord Freaky Vampire shouted back. “We’ll do what we always do.” Lord Grey Sith Chicken grinned at her.

   “We fuck shit up!” She said with a loud laugh. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

   “It’ll be fun?” General Ginger said and watched the three dark figures walk into the vague direction of the next settlement with utter confusion.

 

 

Apparently Lord Grey Sith Chicken’s and Lord Freaky Vampire’s definition of ‘fucking shit up’ was simply to barge in and kill as much as possible. At one point the four of them hid behind a wall while the humanoids prepared a large gun to blast them all away.

   “This is no fun!” Hux screamed, at the verge of a panic attack.

   “It is, shut up!” Lord Grey Sith Chicken barked back.

   “They are nearly finished…” The Lord of Fluffy Hair said slowly and flopped back down beside General Ginger. “I can’t imagine I die with you piss pot.” He said affectionately.

   “Guys, don’t get overly gay!” Lord Freaky Vampire said. “I have an idea.” She said before slipping around the wall.

   “Her idea is to kill herself?” Hux hissed and peeked around the edge.

   “She’s a vampire, you can’t kill her.” Lord Grey Sith Chicken snapped back and looked around the edge too.

   “I want to see something too!” Kylo mumbled and crushed the other two under him as he too watched how Lord Freaky Vampire walked towards the humanoids, who stopped preparing their weapon.

   “Are you here to surrender?”

   “No, I am here to kill you.” The humanoids leader laughed and shot at her. The blast threw the Sith Lord back and into the ground. Debris flew to all sides and the humanoids laughed loudly and congratulated their leader until Lord Freaky Vampire stood up, brushed herself down and walked towards them again.

   “Thanks for the massage.” She said and then she killed everyone.

 

 

When Lord Freaky Vampire wiped her mouth on her sleeve, The Lord of Fluffy Hair stared at her.

   “How did they taste, different from humans?”

   “They taste similar to chocolate.” Lord Freaky Vampire said while she watched Lord Grey Sith Chicken wander off.

   “There are some more in this street.” She shouted over to her three companions.

   “Have fun, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Lord Freaky Vampire answered and Lord Grey Sith Chicken ran down the alley, laughing madly while swinging her berserker light saber.

   “Sometimes I ask myself if you are mad…” General Ginger whispered quietly.

   “Sometimes?” Kylo looked at the other man as if he had just lost his mind. “ _Always_.”

 

 

As the four wandered through the last destroyed city, Lord Grey Sith Chicken ventured into a small alley.

   “Lord Freaky Vampire, there is a coffee shop!”

   “ _Coffee_?” The woman shrieked and hurried after her friend.

   “What? Why? How?” Hux said as he watched Kylo follow the women. The coffee shop was in fact open and the man standing behind the counter looked at them with empty eyes.

   “Hello. Two large slices of chocolate cake and ginger tea please.” Lord Freaky Vampire said, while Lord Grey Sith Chicken studied the menu.

   “Why is this shop open…I can’t…” Hux mumbled out, still confused and lost. The man gave him a cold look.

   “I have seen worse than four people wrackin’ havoc in this town. My doors will be open even when the planet explodes.”

   “Okay.” Hux said meekly and sat down with Lord Freaky Vampire while she munched her cake.

   “Wanna try?” She asked cheerfully, but Hux only shook his head.

   “I think you broke him.” The Lord of Fluffy Hair said.

   “Whoopsie Daisy.” The woman said, spitting crumps all over the table.

   “Ugh, stop eating with your mouth open!” Lord Grey Sith Chicken sat down beside her friend.

   “Pfff.” The other woman replied, covering the table with cake crumps and her saliva.

 

 

   “My ship!” Kylo mewled as he watched the firey-worm-monster munch one of the wings.

   “That’s inconvenient.” Lord Freaky Vampire said and scratched the back of her head.

   “Should I kill it?” Lord Grey Sith Chicken mumbled slowly.

   “What, of course!” Hux whined. He was messing up his hair, pulling on it, something he usually only did when Kylo was insufferable again.

   “Okay.” Lord Grey Sith Chicken shoved the whimpering mess that was The Lord of Fluffy Hair into Lord Freaky Vampire’s arms and went off.

   “My Darth Vader Plushie!” Kylo screamed at the top of his lungs.

   “My snacks!” Lord Freaky Vampire joined him.

   “I need a therapist!” General Ginger shouted to the sky.

 

 

   “And that’s the story of how Hux got his first grey hair.” Lord Grey Sith Chicken ended. Snoke nodded slowly.

   “Thank you. You two will now go and mess up some other place of the Galaxy. I think The Lord of Fluffy Hair and General Ginger need a holiday!”

   “And a new Darth Vader Plushie!” Kylo shouted from where he sat lying on the floor in a puddle of tears.

   “Can we at least get out hugging pillows?” Lord Grey Sith Chicken said. Wrinkly Potato sighed.

   “FINE!” Lord Freaky Vampire and Lord Grey Sith Chicken fist bumped.

 

* * *

 

 

Inspiration:

[Sexy Nerd](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pivLTWIJ7xo%C2%A0) - or the song i was listening to non-stop while writing

[davechicken](http://dcdavechicken.tumblr.com) and [her rp blog](http://sithofren.tumblr.com)

[me](charlotte-frey.tumblr.com)

Stupid pick up lines by [badhuxpickuplines](https://twitter.com/badhuxpickups)

The [conversation](http://archiveofourown.org/comments/50935189) that started all this

**Author's Note:**

> *waves hand*  
> You have not read this fan fiction. You are a sane, stable and normal human being.   
> You will give kudos and comment something like 'omg, that was awesome'.  
> You will read all of davechickens fanfics and follow her (and me) on tumblr.


End file.
